“Does it even matter. When all you do is never enough to fill something in you that cannot be replaced. It doesn’t hurt anymore. At least, not like before. Sitting where the emotion of pain and sorrow laid is now empty space with no shape. It cannot be filled and it won’t ever leave. Stuck in time is all you’ll ever be. Won’t it?”

– Bobby May 19th, 2020 4:19am

These are the words I could incoherently type in the middle of the night while I sat there crying. There is truly no way I could describe the feelings flowing through me or lack thereof. Or actually, both. How can I simultaneously feel everything and nothing at all? 

I’m not gonna lie – this pandemic has NOT been very helpful with my mental health and ability to cope with past traumas. I lost my boyfriend to suicide back in 2017 and I still feel hurt.

“Does it even matter. When all you do is never enough to fill something in you that cannot be replaced.”

– Bobby May 19th, 2020 4:19am

Over the past few years, I’ve tried a lot of things to move forward and process this grief. Some of the stuff I did was harmful to myself and others. I was hurt and nothing I did could help me feel okay again. 

At first, I was very irrational. The love of my life, my soulmate, is dead. I needed to get rid of everything that reminded me of him. Photos, gifts, and clothing had to be tossed. Looking at all of this hurt me every time I looked at them. 

It was hard at that time because I was still getting accustomed to my new medication (bipolar). So it was very confusing to me when all my body wanted to do was cry and hurt myself but my medication numbed me.

Of course, the next thing I did was try to forget about him entirely by talking to other people and looking to hook up. I would make plans to meet up but I’d always stand them up. Even though all I wanted to do was forget and feel something other than pain my body wouldn’t let me. It was cheating for me. 

“ It cannot be filled and it won’t ever leave.”

– Bobby May 19th, 2020 4:19am

The hole this man left in me can’t be filled. I’ve tried. And I guess that’s what true love must be. Although he’s gone he has left a huge impact on me. 

I don’t think I’ll ever move on. It’s been over 2 1/2 years now and I’ve tried to talk to guys again, but it’s different. I can’t stop comparing them to him. They won’t live up to that type of love.

The type of love I experienced with him was otherworldly. It felt effortless. Yes, we had our rough times. We fought and argued but we always managed to come back together because we realized how much our lives were intertwined. 

So what do I do now? The love of my life is gone and I’m here alone. Will I ever be with him again? Is there another world where he’s waiting for me?

“Stuck in time is all you’ll ever be. Won’t it?”

– Bobby May 19th, 2020 4:19am

L0ve,

Not Bobby

June 25, 2020